A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. "Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?"
"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"
"I'm Jim."
"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"
"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"
So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.
"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.
"Is it your brother?"
"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.
When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"
Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved.
"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"
"Then, who is it?" Jim asks.
Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!"
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Three Guys With Dumb Wives
Three guys are sitting in a bar when the first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have an automatic garage door."
The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she has a cellular phone antenna on her car and she doesn't even have a cellular phone."
The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of rubbers and she doesn't even have a dick."
The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she has a cellular phone antenna on her car and she doesn't even have a cellular phone."
The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of rubbers and she doesn't even have a dick."
Thursday, August 2, 2007
The Scottie Dog Who Knew Karate
There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, “I need a good guard dog.”
And the clerk replied, “Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate.”
The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair.”
The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, “Karate that table.” The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.
So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said “Karate my ass!”
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, “I need a good guard dog.”
And the clerk replied, “Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate.”
The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair.”
The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, “Karate that table.” The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.
So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said “Karate my ass!”
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
I Like Your Thinking
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Sweet I sold all of my paintings.
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest
in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good
news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and
wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When
I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad
news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
Sunday, July 15, 2007
10 Annoying Rants
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy?where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy, considering that he doesn't have a dick!
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the damn TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change it manually!
4. When people say?"Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it too"?fuck off! What good is a damn piece of cake if you can't eat it? What should I do?? Eat someone else's piece of cake instead?
5. When people say?"It's always the last place you look"?no shit! Why the fuck would you keep looking for it after you have already found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie?"Did you see that"?no dicknose?I paid $7.50 to come to a theatre and stare at the fucking ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
7. People who ask?"can I ask you a question?"?Didn't really give me a choice there did ya buddy?
8. When something is 'new and improved' which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it!
9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks you if you know how fast you were going? You should know?you're the one that fucking pulled me over!
10. Here's the 10th thing that really fucking bugs me?Chain letters! Who the hell thinks that by annoying other people with stupid mail with no meaning?that they will grant you a wish?or make your long lost love fall into your arms?bullshit!
I am so sure that by breaking a stupid chain letter that the computer gods are going to curse me? What a crock of shit!
By the way, if you send this to 10 people?shit won't happen and that person you're in love with won't come crawling back?so if you feel that this is funny?go on and send it to some one else?but don't expect one fucking thing in return!
Have a nice day.
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy, considering that he doesn't have a dick!
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the damn TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change it manually!
4. When people say?"Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it too"?fuck off! What good is a damn piece of cake if you can't eat it? What should I do?? Eat someone else's piece of cake instead?
5. When people say?"It's always the last place you look"?no shit! Why the fuck would you keep looking for it after you have already found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie?"Did you see that"?no dicknose?I paid $7.50 to come to a theatre and stare at the fucking ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
7. People who ask?"can I ask you a question?"?Didn't really give me a choice there did ya buddy?
8. When something is 'new and improved' which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it!
9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks you if you know how fast you were going? You should know?you're the one that fucking pulled me over!
10. Here's the 10th thing that really fucking bugs me?Chain letters! Who the hell thinks that by annoying other people with stupid mail with no meaning?that they will grant you a wish?or make your long lost love fall into your arms?bullshit!
I am so sure that by breaking a stupid chain letter that the computer gods are going to curse me? What a crock of shit!
By the way, if you send this to 10 people?shit won't happen and that person you're in love with won't come crawling back?so if you feel that this is funny?go on and send it to some one else?but don't expect one fucking thing in return!
Have a nice day.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Funny Stories from American Travel Agents
I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
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